Happy New(ish…) Year, I guess? I had a week of drama, a week of busyness, and a week of being computerless thanks to a broken laptop charger. So far, this year has been…something. Blargh.
I’ve been struggling a lot with what I want this website to be, why I so completely sucked at blogging all of last year, what I want to doooo with my liiiiiife, etc, etc. Sometimes I think I just want to burn the internet to the ground. Dedicate my days to reading books and playing on the floor with trains and reorganizing my pantry or whatever it is normal people do all day. But I think we both know I’d be back within a couple months, like the crazed junkie I am.
The thing is, I really do like keeping a daily journal and posting pictures of my ridiculously awesome kid and whining about whatever first world problems are currently driving me crazy. I have an awful memory. Really, truly awful. When I’m not writing or taking pictures daily, it’s like that time just disappears. Whole periods of my life that didn’t even happen. Sometimes I feel totally zen about that, whatever, yeah, live in the present. But mostly it makes me sad, especially now that I have this little preschooler running around, saying and doing hilarious things nonstop. I also love having a place to get out the thoughts that are banging away in my head. Anything to keep my brain from being a hamster wheel at three in the morning. The blog is part scrapbook, part therapy, and I want to take advantage of that better.
The other thing is, I need to start getting serious about my design/freelance stuff. I’ve walked so many small business owners through the process of developing a business plan and defining goals and all that professional-sounding stuff, but the idea of doing that for myself seems terrifying somehow. I have a great day job that allows me to work from home, but there have been so many company reorganizations in the past year that I honestly have no idea what department I’m even in anymore or whether I’m a technical lead or a PM and it’s left me feeling less stable than I’d like. Plus, the job ties me to an 8-5ish schedule and endless conference calls, which means I’m pretty much boring Ezra to tears 95% of the time. I’d like to…move on. You know, one day. I’d like to officially be working towards that, instead of just dreaming wistfully about it while muting my third conference call of the day so I can pour goldfish crackers into a bowl and put on Dumbo for the millionth time this week.
Soooo, I think my real problem is that I’ve been trying to cram both of these things—the I’m-a-special-snowflake personal blog and the I’m-so-talented-and-professional designy blog— into this one space. And it’s not working. Obviously. I’ve failed at both purposes because I can’t fully commit to either because they just don’t work together for me. I do not, for example, feel okay selling ads on a blog that’s about what I ate for lunch or what Ezra said this morning. I especially do not want to monetize anything related to E, because even though I want and sometimes need to share stories about him, I know I don’t own his stories. I also don’t always feel comfortable directing potential clients to this site because, hey, maybe reading about how much I’m trying and failing to have a second baby isn’t part of my elevator pitch. So many other bloggers have successfully combined the two and I thought I could do it. But I can’t. I feel too weird and hesitant and gross about advertising or monetizing or any kind of -izing something that involves my family, and I’m really not going to get anywhere professionally without all that izing, so I just froze in place. It’s time to break the two apart.
Over the next couple months, I’m going to be making some charges here, refocusing, refining, strategerizing, whatever it is real bloggers do. I’ll be preparing new content (actual content, not a half assed round up of the past month’s instagram pics!), and pulling the more personal posts out of here and into a shiny new blog somewhere else. (I’m not sure where yet but if you’re just dying to find out, you’ll have to follow me on twitter probably.)
Because if I’m having trouble keeping up with one blog, the obvious solution is to try to manage two blogs, right?
So, that’s where things stand right now. Thanks for sticking around and putting up with me.