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Journal

Ch-ch-ch-changes!

1 comment ♥ Jan 22, 07:38 PM

Happy New(ish…) Year, I guess? I had a week of drama, a week of busyness, and a week of being computerless thanks to a broken laptop charger. So far, this year has been…something. Blargh.

I’ve been struggling a lot with what I want this website to be, why I so completely sucked at blogging all of last year, what I want to doooo with my liiiiiife, etc, etc. Sometimes I think I just want to burn the internet to the ground. Dedicate my days to reading books and playing on the floor with trains and reorganizing my pantry or whatever it is normal people do all day. But I think we both know I’d be back within a couple months, like the crazed junkie I am.

The thing is, I really do like keeping a daily journal and posting pictures of my ridiculously awesome kid and whining about whatever first world problems are currently driving me crazy. I have an awful memory. Really, truly awful. When I’m not writing or taking pictures daily, it’s like that time just disappears. Whole periods of my life that didn’t even happen. Sometimes I feel totally zen about that, whatever, yeah, live in the present. But mostly it makes me sad, especially now that I have this little preschooler running around, saying and doing hilarious things nonstop. I also love having a place to get out the thoughts that are banging away in my head. Anything to keep my brain from being a hamster wheel at three in the morning. The blog is part scrapbook, part therapy, and I want to take advantage of that better.

The other thing is, I need to start getting serious about my design/freelance stuff. I’ve walked so many small business owners through the process of developing a business plan and defining goals and all that professional-sounding stuff, but the idea of doing that for myself seems terrifying somehow. I have a great day job that allows me to work from home, but there have been so many company reorganizations in the past year that I honestly have no idea what department I’m even in anymore or whether I’m a technical lead or a PM and it’s left me feeling less stable than I’d like. Plus, the job ties me to an 8-5ish schedule and endless conference calls, which means I’m pretty much boring Ezra to tears 95% of the time. I’d like to…move on. You know, one day. I’d like to officially be working towards that, instead of just dreaming wistfully about it while muting my third conference call of the day so I can pour goldfish crackers into a bowl and put on Dumbo for the millionth time this week.

Soooo, I think my real problem is that I’ve been trying to cram both of these things—the I’m-a-special-snowflake personal blog and the I’m-so-talented-and-professional designy blog— into this one space. And it’s not working. Obviously. I’ve failed at both purposes because I can’t fully commit to either because they just don’t work together for me. I do not, for example, feel okay selling ads on a blog that’s about what I ate for lunch or what Ezra said this morning. I especially do not want to monetize anything related to E, because even though I want and sometimes need to share stories about him, I know I don’t own his stories. I also don’t always feel comfortable directing potential clients to this site because, hey, maybe reading about how much I’m trying and failing to have a second baby isn’t part of my elevator pitch. So many other bloggers have successfully combined the two and I thought I could do it. But I can’t. I feel too weird and hesitant and gross about advertising or monetizing or any kind of -izing something that involves my family, and I’m really not going to get anywhere professionally without all that izing, so I just froze in place. It’s time to break the two apart.

Over the next couple months, I’m going to be making some charges here, refocusing, refining, strategerizing, whatever it is real bloggers do. I’ll be preparing new content (actual content, not a half assed round up of the past month’s instagram pics!), and pulling the more personal posts out of here and into a shiny new blog somewhere else. (I’m not sure where yet but if you’re just dying to find out, you’ll have to follow me on twitter probably.)

Because if I’m having trouble keeping up with one blog, the obvious solution is to try to manage two blogs, right?

So, that’s where things stand right now. Thanks for sticking around and putting up with me.

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If this isn't nice, I don't know what is.

Comment ♥ Dec 27, 01:44 PM

True Story: At our wedding, Cris’s father gave a long, rambling toast in Spanish expressing thanks to God that we finally got married and made our child legitimate. We both turned bright red and I only barely managed to stop myself from crawling under the table. Legitimate! It was adorable, and I’m pretty sure I mean that in a totally nonironic way.

Our first Christmas as a Legitimate Family was a quiet one. Ezra woke us up yelling about Christmas! and Santa! and Presents! and pulled us downstairs. When he first walked into the living room, he somehow missed the giant pile of presents next to him. “But look! Santa didn’t come!” he said, with what is probably the saddest expression I have ever seen. Tears, in my eyes. But after a few seconds of sad moping, he found the presents. Santa DID come! I TOLD you! I told you he did come!

We had a morning of new books and toys, chocolate croissants and hot cocoa, an early showing of Elf. It was pretty much perfect.

The world has been bringing me down lately, Suckiness, just everywhere, for so many people I care about. But as I was cuddled on the couch with my family, cozy and perfectly content, I took a deep breath and realized: It’s okay. Everything is going to be just fine.

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Mrs.

Comment ♥ Dec 12, 01:08 PM

(Hey, when I fail NaBloPoMo, I fail big, amirite?)

We did it! We got married!

There were some snags (Ezra was so sick! A groomsman texted an hour before the ceremony to say he didn’t want to come! I left my wedding ring at the hotel! I forgot to buy coffee for the coffeemaker! Etc etc etc!!!), but the evening was still perfect and magical and lovely, and I didn’t feel the need to hide under the table even once! I will write about it soon, probably in too much detail, but a close friend’s personal crisis is taking priority over wedding decompressing for now, and I find myself off to take a trip to a part of the country I’ve never been to before. Awful timing, awful reason to take a trip, but hey. Life.

xoxo
Des

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Conversations with a Sugar Addict

Comment ♥ Nov 9, 08:52 PM

Mama, I have medicine please?
No, medicine is only for when you’re sick. It’s not candy.
Oh, okay! I have candy please?

Mama, can I have a cookie please?
No, no cookies tonight.
Mama! I love you. Can I have cookie now please?

Ezra, are you ready for bed now?
No, my tummy not full. Him have to get more candy first. Him sad.

Ezra, what are you doing in the kitchen?
I have the peanut butter! I have the spoon too! It’s okay, mama! Don’t come here!

Mama, I have to go play for three minutes. Don’t eat my snack. I be right back. Don’t eat my snack, okay?

Mama, where my lollipop go?
No sweets before bed, mister!
NOOO, not a sweet, just a lollipop! Where go?!

Mama, you want a bite of my cake pop?
No thank you sweetie.
No, we have to share! Please take a bite! Just a really little tiny bite!

Mama, Ollie not eating my cookie. What wrong with him? Why he not being good?

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Panic at the Altar

4 comments ♥ Nov 8, 08:38 PM

One month.

One month until The Wedding.

I’m as excited to marry Cris as I am terrified to be a bride. The white dress, the millions of eyes watching your every move, the pressure for everything to be the most perfectest ever. It’s the stuff of nightmares for my awkward introverted self. There is a nonzero chance that halfway down the aisle, I will freak out and try to hide behind some bushes, hyperventilating. And there is a near 100% chance that, at some point in the evening, I will: 1. fall flat on my face, 2. spill salsa down the front of my dress, and 3. flash someone while trying to figure out how to deal with a strapless dress.

Our wedding guests are in for a show, is what I’m saying.

I wanted a short and sweet city hall ceremony, but it was important to Cris to have all of our favorite people with us. I totally get it, and I think it’s sweet, and I’m certain I’ll be so happy we did it once everything is said and done. But right now I’m feeling a little overwhelmed and pukey about the whole thing. Not in a bad way necessarily. Just in a…pukey way.

Talking about how nervous your wedding makes you isn’t a cool thing to do, I’ve learned. People misunderstand, assume you’re nervous about being married, think you’re being a twee, ridiculous little thing. It’s okay. Sublimating these tiny moments of blind panic is really the best thing to do. I’m trying to focus my attention on the rest of the wedding details that still need to be planned. Small, concrete tasks that don’t involve dwelling on how people will be STARING AT ME. WITH THEIR JUDGEY EYES. JUDGING ME. Centerpieces and cakes and sequins are a safer place for my mind to be.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

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Wordless Wednesday

Comment ♥ Nov 7, 08:58 AM

…because it’s two minutes until midnight but I’m not breaking this streak, dammit.

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YES

Comment ♥ Nov 6, 08:06 PM

I am too emotionally spent for anything besides MORE CHAMPAGNE PLEASE, but so much faith has been restored tonight. Hugs all around! I’m going to fall asleep chanting USA USA USA under my breath.

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Election Cycle Stomach Ache

Comment ♥ Nov 5, 06:47 PM

By the end of tomorrow, I predict I will have pulled all my hair out, chewed my nails down to the quick, and stress-eaten my way through the bag of leftover Halloween candy. But hopefully this deep sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach will not last the next four years. I am just flabbergasted that the race is this close when one side seems to be running on a platform of hatred, bigotry, racism, and willful ignorance.

If you haven’t voted yet, go do it. I’m sure you were just waiting for my signal.

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trains for days

Comment ♥ Nov 4, 08:55 PM

We used a rare bit of family free time this weekend to take Ezra to the California State Railroad Museum, aka HEAVEN.

Seeing him run from exhibit to exhibit, excitedly pointing out everything he saw (“Look, that’s a big funnel! Look, there’s its tender!”), was maybe the cutest thing in the the world.

Maybe definitely.

At every train, he would sigh happily and say I love this train so much!

I don’t know when (or if!) he’ll ever outgrow his single-minded obsession with all things trains, but it shows no signs of slowing down any time soon, so we got the annual membership at the museum. It’s money well spent, I’m sure, but I might be just a little worried about what this means for family free time for the next year.

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Serious Fears

Comment ♥ Nov 3, 07:59 PM
  1. The cats somehow finding a way to lock the door behind me when I step outside to take out the garbage/get the mail/whatever
  2. The ghosts somehow finding a way to lock the door behind me when I step outside to take out the garbage/get the mail/whatever
  3. The idea that I will never again spend an hour outside of an overpriced, overcrowded restaurant, waiting for a table at brunch while nursing a hangover
  4. The deep sea, and everything in it
  5. Lotus boob
  6. Getting my Achilles tendon cut
  7. L’appel du vide
  8. Bugs in the ears, eggs in the brain
  9. Becoming someone who goes to sleep by 10, wakes up by 6 naturally.
  10. fat-free mayo
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